The Real Face Behind Perfectionism

A few days ago, I posted a not-so-perfect video about perfectionism.

I mean, the irony, right?

I think most of us imagine perfectionism looks obvious. We picture someone who has to have everything just right all the time. But that's not how I've seen it show up in my life. Perfectionism is much sneakier than that. It doesn't walk through the front door and introduce itself.

Instead, it slips in through the back door disguised as being responsible, prepared, productive, or just wanting to do a good job. And wanting to make sure we get things right before we put ourselves out there.

And on the surface, that all sounds pretty reasonable.

After all, what's wrong with wanting to do your best?

Nothing.

In fact, I think there is something deeply satisfying about giving something your full effort. I think doing your best builds confidence, creates momentum, and helps us grow.

But doing your best and demanding perfection from yourself are two very different things.

One moves you forward and the other often keeps you standing still.

The other day I was thinking about those old Scooby Doo episodes where they would finally pull the mask off the villain and reveal who was underneath. And I started wondering what would happen if we did that with perfectionism.

Who would we find?

At first, I thought fear.

The fear of being judged, the fear of failing, the fear of looking foolish, the fear of getting it wrong, and the fear of being seen.

If you and I jumped into the Scooby-Doo van, tracked down the villain, and pulled the mask off fear, I think we might find shame sitting underneath it. 

That voice deep in the background that questions our worth, our value, and whether we're enough just as we are.

Without the perfect performance, without saying exactly the right thing, without having all the answers, and without getting it right every single time.

I think fear is often the guard and shame is what it's protecting.

Maybe that's why perfectionism can be so convincing. It tells us that if we can just get it right, if we can just perfect it a little more, if we can just wait until we're fully ready, then we'll finally feel confident, accepted, and safe.

The problem is that day rarely comes and the goalpost keeps moving.

I know this because for years, the thought of speaking in front of people scared the living daylights out of me.

Most people who know me today find this hard to believe, but there was a time when the thought of standing up in front of a group of people made me want to run for the nearest exit. I'm not talking - not uncomfortable, not nervous...I'm talking terrified!

It was the fear that I would forget what I wanted to say. I would stay up late practicing and rehearsing everything over and over in my head, trying to make sure I got it right and didn't miss a thing. Looking back, I wasn't really trusting myself. I was trying to control every possible outcome. It stressed me out so much that it took the fun out of connecting with others - which is what I love to do. 

For me, confidence never came from having the "perfect" presentation. Instead, confidence came when I stopped trying to memorize every word and trusted that I knew what I knew, that my experiences mattered, and that what needed to come out would come out.

Instead, confidence came after I was willing to get it wrong.

I stopped trying to memorize every word and started speaking from my heart. I trusted my experiences. I trusted the message. I trusted that what needed to be said would find its way out.

Was it perfect?

Not even close.

But it was real and, in my experience, that's far more connecting than being super polished. The more I did it, the easier it became. And little by little, that fear started losing its power over me.

So maybe today isn't about becoming more confident.

Maybe it's about becoming a little less obedient to fear.

And maybe the thing you've been waiting to do isn't waiting for perfection.

Maybe it's waiting for you.

With love,

Francine